The Beat Goes On

I finally received the results of the holter monitor test. It revealed that I am "throwing" PVC's and PAC's which makes me think I have a future career as a lobbyist for the home improvement industry. It is my understanding that these blipitty blopitty quick firing electrical currents of my heart are common and I don't even know when they happen. Although...... that might explain why I can walk by the touch lamp in the family room and it turns on all on its own.

The cardiologist recommended I have sleep test in order to determine if sleep apnea is causing my palpitations and electrical spikes. My General Practitioner agrees since I am also waking up at night and not sleeping well. For the Blue Cross/Blue Shield folks who will process the claim, the diagnosis is "reoccurring nocturnal awakenings." I instantly think of Bach and wonder if he wrote Sleepers Awake for some peri-menopausal babe he had on the side.

I spaz out thinking of the possibility of having to get a CPAP machine. I wonder how I will ever wear a mask that shoots air up my nose since I am now a card carrying member of the Claustrophobics are Us Club. While waiting for my test day to arrive, I do some Internet research regarding sleep apnea. I decide to make myself feel better by purchasing a sleep apnea product package from Amazon.com that contains: one sleep apnea pillow, two nostril expanders and a mouth guard- all for $95 plus shipping. They are not necessarily guaranteed to work but they were frequently purchased together by people like me. People with a credit card & an aversion wearing a mask to bed but who at the same time needs something to open up their noses and mouths to allow in more air when they sleep. I also consider another Amazon.com package that is recommended based on my previous searches and purchases. It includes the following book titles: "Hormones and You", "Unexplained Paranormal Experiences of the Peri-menopausal" and "Ten Strategies to Lower Your Freak Flag." All that for just $65 plus shipping. I pass on these fascinating titles.

The pillow is odd looking but I love it. The nostril expanders I gave to Lynne to try. She put them in her nostrils. She said she felt like a bull with a nose ring. Indeed, she resembled one. I love her more just for trying them. In the morning, we found the nose ring in the sheets along with my little balls of wax I use to block out Lynne's snoring. We're quite a pair aren't we? The mouth guard remains unopened. It requires a flat wooden stick to soften up the plastic but it was not included. So as soon as my popsicle stick is dry, we'll open her up.

I had the sleep test last night. It was not as bad as I expected it would be. It was like sleeping at a $75 a night motel. You know the drill: lumpy bed, thin gaudy floral bedspread, mauve curtains on the window, distinct disinfectant smell that you take home on your PJ's.

They wire you up so they can monitor your heart, brain waves and breathing. I think they might have even been trying to read my mind too. I checked myself out in the bathroom mirror before going to sleep. I looked like The Borg but not in a good way. I immediately blocked that thought - just in case they could read my mind. Only a dork could recall 10 year old Star Trek episodes and try to apply it to real life.

It was not the best night sleep and it wasn't the worst but I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight, under my own gaudy bedspread, with my gal who looks like a bull with a nose ring. What did you say? I can't hear you. I have little wax balls in my ears. Good Night everyone.